Hey, ladies, good news: Your boobs are fashionable again!

650 397 Eliza Frost

When the New York Post tells you “boobs are back in a big way”, then obviously it’s time to dust off the couple of breasts you put away in the china cabinet for ‘best’ and reattach them.

Because, obviously, that’s definitely something that women can do. Fancy wearing a low-cut number tonight? Simple attach them on. Boobs getting in the way when going for a run? Just unscrew them, baby. I also heard you can now get a little attachment inserted like a blow up bed. You can just puff them up when you fancy it, and deflate when you want to lie comfortably on your front. Lol joke. No one has that control.

The article originally featured on The Sun’s website, spurred by Rihanna looking like an absolute goddess in that boob-pushing-kinda-want-to-put-my-face-in-them red dress at the Valerian premiere in Leicester square the other day.

The piece kinda tries to sound supportive, and celebratory, with phrases like “embracing you feminine curves” and “now you can welcome the return of the out-and-proud cleavage”. But surely the fact they’re still talking about women’s bodies and whether some of their particular body parts are hot or not is a contradiction in itself? If I was a Sim, I’d have those question marks appear above my head like when you stop them from going to sleep but their exhaustion is on red.

 

Oxymoronically, this article comes just nine months after Vogue declared the cleavage to be “over”. Won’t fashion please just make up its mind? (Not that the New York Post or The Sun are really trusted voices on fashion, soz huns, but stick to what you know). Kathleen Baird-Murray wrote in the December 2016 issue of Vogue, there was a distinct lack of pertinently pushed-up breasts everywhere from runway to red carpet. She said, “The tits will not be out for the lads. Or for anyone else, for that matter”.

But for as long as I can remember, there have been women who wear outfits so low-cut you can see their belly button, or wear belts and consider it a suitable red carpet top. Here’s looking at you Jodie Marsh, circa 2003. However, there have also been women who have decided to keep it covered. And whichever option is the personal choice of the woman, and whichever option they choose is the right one. At what point will people realise women don’t have control over their boobs? They’re there at the best of times when you need them to fill out that new structured corset top, and they’re there at the worst of times like when you’re in the pool and your nip slips out of your bikini top in front of your grandparents. They’re there, they’re proud and they’re not gonna go anywhere for shit.

This title somewhat highlights a bigger issue in society – and fashion – than maybe you first realise. It isn’t just a newspaper talking about boobs, it is another point added to the female timeline where our bodies are talked about in normal conversation like they aren’t ours – and like we don’t have control over every part of them. It’s certainly caused a bit of an uproar on Twitter. But that’s because, when you deem a part of a woman’s body as unfashionable then it alienates approximately half of them. When Vogue said that cleavage was no more, then what about all those double-d beauties that can be wearing a turtle neck and somehow still have a hint? And now declaring that apparently bigger is better, then all those a cup gals might be grabbing for their wonderbra when they shouldn’t have to feel like they need to.

In a time where body positivity is everywhere we look, why can’t we accept the fact female bodies come in all shapes and sizes. And to embrace your boobs, breasts, tits, titties, jugs, and melons. We’ve got them, whether they’re fashionable or not, so stop trying to make us dislike them, or make us think they should bigger or smaller to fit in with trends. In all honesty, the New York Post, you’re being a bit muggy. Big boobs or small boobs – it’s a little bit leave it when you try and tell me which ones I should have. So flip reverse it next time you’re thinking about deeming a part of a woman’s body as unfashionable.

(I miss love island.)

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